October 18, 2003
Journal Entry 18 --- Jesus Christ It's been a while!
It's like this, I have a child now and to tell you the truth, that seems to take a great deal of my time. I've learned a lot in the last seven weeks about child raising, like for instance, no matter how attached I am to an outfit, Charlie will find a way to stain it. Also, you DO NOT need eight hours of sleep in order to survive, that's a lie... you can survive on 43 minutes. Oh yeah, and I'm not as selfish as I once thought.
For those who have an urge to shake a baby to sleep, I understand your thought process but I think it's over doing it just a bit. I think if you would just come to the realization that a new born DOESN'T sleep at all, you know unless you're rattling their little brains into putty, you'd save yourself a life sentences. And really, do you think you're going to get much sleep in prison? I'm pretty sure you will not be the popular inmate on your block , even thieves, rapists, and murderers have standards. " So why are you in here?"
" Oh I shook my baby to death so I could catch some zs" Yeah, good luck my friend.
When it turns into the 6th hour of grunts and movements and kicking around, rather then rattle him, I just laugh a lot. Almost an insane laugh really. I laugh at the thought that fucking someone caused this. then I go into my bathroom and jerk off. I even laugh more because when I look down at it, it almost looks like I am strangling my dick, which is a better alternative to baby shaking. After all, it isn't Charlie's fault, it's my dick's fault! And the best part is that when I'm finished beating up my dick, I get sleepy. I'm going to be jerking off for a long, long time. I've gained weight because of this entire ordeal, which I tried not to admit to myself but it's difficult to deny when my baby starts suckling on my tit. Yep, and I could see him getting frustrated and all red in the face because nothing was coming out, because I'm a guy and I don't carry milk in my tit. I just thought if I ignored it, everything would be fine and soon enough it would stop, but no if I closed my eyes it was even worse because I could here him and it sounded like a cross between a baby lamp on her momma's teat and the sound we make when we are trying to get the last few drops out of Mc' Donald's milkshake. Yeah, an uncomfortable sound for me to hear as much as it was for you to imagine it. Then he started crying because again nothing was coming out. At this point I just had to stall long enough for my wife to return and assist in this womanly process. So I said, just be patient little Charlie, I'm sure something will come out eventually... and sure enough it did! Tequila poured out like liquid gold but more like the well brand because I haven't been able to afford the good stuff lately, you know with the kid and all. He fell right to sleep, and momma came back in and said, "Damn, you're really good with him." Yes, I know all very funny stuff but the most difficult part of this is that I've had to take a long break from comedy. Longer then I've ever had to before, and that is tough. I love the stage and it's been weird not being able to perform, however I have good news! I'm returning to the stage in November for a come back performance and it will be dark, x rated, wild and anything else we can bring to the table... I am truly anxious and hungrier the fuck to get back on stage. I'll be at the Tacoma Underground the 13th thru the 15th so if you haven't seen me in a while, this is a show you don't want to miss, and if if you've never seen me, I'll be in rare form. Get all of your friends and lets sell this fucker out! Until then, see ya . It's great to be back! LB
Posted by Lonnie at 03:02 PM
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